Empathy
Emotion coaching involves communicating empathy and accepting your adolescent’s emotions.
Emotion coaching with different intensities of emotion
Emotion coaching depends on how strong the emotions are. You may not use all 5 steps of emotion coaching in one conversation. When emotions are smaller, all 5 steps of emotion coaching may be possible and effective.
When emotions are bigger and stronger, we might only use step 1 and 2 of the 5 steps. We can notice the emotion and see it as an opportunity for emotion coaching. We might talk less or wait until later to continue emotion coaching to help them solve the problem. We may be able to use step 3 and show a little empathy but avoid questions and minimise talking. Useful phrases include:
- 'this is awful'
- 'it means a lot to you'
- 'it’s really upsetting'
- 'you really need space right now'.
Emotion coaching with adolescents often happens across a number of interactions. Problem solving may not be possible until they are much calmer.
Similarly, when we are very angry ourselves, it is not the right time to emotion coach. Instead, we would try to build in a pause and model healthy ways of managing our anger. Keep in mind that your adolescent may copy the way you handle emotions.
See the below video for information on how to emotion coach at different levels of emotion.
This video is also available in 10 languages. Select your preferred language on the translations page.
What works for your adolescent
Adolescents are different in what works for them when it comes to emotion coaching:
- some might want to talk through things in the moment when they are emotional
- others need more time and stops and starts in the conversation
- some need a simple response and then to be left alone
- some like to have their emotions named
- others want empathy without naming emotions.
Many adolescents don’t like to talk much. That doesn’t mean they don’t benefit from emotion coaching, but the conversation might not be ‘deep and meaningful’. Sometimes just putting a name to the feeling can be enough to calm a young person.
Sitting with emotions
Part of step 3 of emotion coaching, empathy, is that you often need to ‘sit with’ the emotions your adolescent is experiencing. Doing this in a supportive way helps them work through their feelings. Too often we try to ask them questions or suggest solutions. This can make things worse and they can withdraw or react with anger.
When your adolescent is filled with strong emotion it may help to ‘sit with’ their emotions.
With adolescents, being close/nearby and saying less is often what they need to help them become calmer. Try to be present (i.e., not on a device yourself at this time) and in a place where there are not lots of other distractions or people (a quieter space). This also communicates that you accept their feelings (although you may talk further about their behaviour later).
The following tips might help you ‘sit with’ emotions:
- Show that you are listening with your body language. For example, you might mirror their body language (providing it is not aggressive and threatening) by sitting in a similar way. You might also show this with your non-verbal responses like sighs or big breaths out.
- Try to accept their feelings and show empathy. For example, you might say: 'it’s really stressful right now' or 'that’s so annoying!' Avoid judgement such as ‘don’t be silly’.
- Allow time – when adolescents are emotional, they need time to calm down before they can think clearly.
- Empathetic, supportive responses from you help them to calm. Lots of talking can stop them from feeling calm.
- Sometimes you need to just zip up your mouth and listen. Listening quietly with less talk, advice or action is often needed to help your adolescent work through their feelings. WAIT – Why Am I Talking.
- With adolescents, less is often more.
Problem solving
Once you have used the first 4 steps of emotion coaching, and you and your adolescent are calmer, you might guide them with problem solving.
- Help them explore options using open-ended questions. Let them know you have confidence they can work it out. Try to avoid coming up with the solutions yourself unless they are unable to come up with any ideas. For example:
- What do you think you could do?
- What would help make this easier?
- You are good at coming up with ideas… this is hard… what have you thought of?
- See if you can notice new emotions. You might acknowledge and empathise with these or name the feelings you think are being felt (i.e., return to step 1 of emotion coaching). Then keep asking more open-ended questions about what they could do and avoid jumping in with solutions or suggestions. For example:
- 'Ah, yes, that sounds unfair – I wonder what you could do about that?'
- If they say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘nothing’, acknowledge that it is hard to think of solutions and suggest you might be able to come up with options together. For example:
- 'Yes, it’s hard to work out what would help. Shall we think about it when we’ve had dinner?'
- Support the choices your adolescent makes. For example:
- 'That might work. Why don’t you give it a try and see how it goes'
- 'That’s one possibility – can we think of a couple more so that you can have a few to choose from?'
If you are trying to problem solve about a conflict you have with your adolescent, all of the suggestions above can work. You can also let them know you find this difficult.
Ensure you have let your adolescent know that you understand and accept their emotions first before you name your own emotions. Try to remember to pause to allow your adolescent to talk as well, like as follows:
'This morning was stressful. Are you okay?'
(Pause…)
'I’m sorry I yelled. Mornings are difficult for us.'
(Pause…)
'It’s stressful for you when I yell, and it’s stressful for me when we are running late.'
(Pause…)
'Do you have any ideas how we could do this differently?'
(Pause…)
Updated